5 Things to Do If You Decide Not to Opt-in for a Divorce

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Sometimes, when your husband is away because you are going through a marital separation, the day he comes back is considered one of the best days of your life. After all, you have worked for this day. You have sacrificed for this day. You have dreamed of this day. In fact, I know first hand that we have planned this day for so long, very few us worry nearly as much as to what happens after he is actually home.

This is understandable. Because often, it’s so hard to get him to come back that we are using all of our energy and our skill to make this happen. However, unfortunately some of us learn that not spending enough time on the “what happens afterward” question turns out to be costly.

A wife might say: “I can’t believe it’s been six months since we separated. It’s not as if the time flew by or that it was like a vacation. It was awful. Every day felt long. It’s just that there was a time when we were so happy that never would I have figured we would willingly be apart for six months. Perhaps willingly isn’t accurate. He was willing. I was reluctant. I never wanted the separation to begin with. But I knew that if I didn’t go along, he would probably just divorce me. After much work and patience, I have finally gotten him to agree to come home. Sometimes I don’t think that he is excited about this as I am. I am thrilled. I can’t wait. He seems willing, but not particularly excited. I asked him the other day why I felt a little hesitation on his part. He said he had concerns about what was going to happen once he came home. He is worried that we are going to have the same problems that we had before the separation. I have vowed to be very careful and to be on my best behavior.

 But I know that I can’t walk on my tip toes forever. Most of our problem was every time there was conflict, it would just explode into a fight. The thing is, we always had a little conflict in our marriage, but in the beginning we handled it just fine. It wasn’t until the last couple of years that we really started fighting and having those fights cause problems.

So I don’t know which version of us I’m going to get once he comes home. I’m hoping that we’re back to the mode where disagreements don’t really shake us, but I have no way to predict that. What should I avoid when he comes home. What should I not be doing?”

A. Focus On Natural And Easy. Avoid Pressure: It’s normal for there to be a lot of pressure when a separated spouse comes home. And this is very unfortunate because it’s that very pressure that sometimes creates problems. You want to try to make things flow as naturally as possible. There is bound to be a little bit of awkwardness, especially at first. But, to the extent you can, you want to try to make sure that things feel very natural and easy.

Does this mean that you need to pretend that nothing is wrong when something obviously is? No, but you should try to understand that, at least at the beginning, your marriage is going to be a little fragile, so you want to make sure that you’re handling disagreements as gently and efficiently as you can. It’s unrealistic to think that you’re never going to argue once he’s home. Sure, every one is bound to be on their best behavior, but you can’t have an authentic relationship without conflict coming up at some point.

B. If You Build Up The Intimacy, The Negativity Doesn’t Tear You Down As Much: Many people find that when they are very bonded and having a good deal of intimacy toward one another, their problems don’t seem as large. That is why you fight fair and efficiently in the beginning and find that you just can’t resolve things toward the end.

And that is why intimacy and closeness should be a primary goal once he comes home. Don’t focus on the negative – if it comes. Focus on the positive gains that you are wanting to see. Conflict is easier when you’re feeling loved and loving. Maintaining this should always be important. That doesn’t mean that you bite your tongue when you have something important to say or that you act as if your spouse can do no wrong. But it does help to focus on what is right instead of what is wrong. Newlyweds do this all the time. And in a sense, when he comes back home, you may well be in the honeymoon phase for a time. That’s actually a positive thing because it may help with the uncertainty and awkwardness.

C. Don’t Over Think It Too Much: There can be a real tendency to over analyze everything that happens and to not relax because you’re scared of anything that may indicate that your reconciliation is just not going to work. This is natural. But try not to let this feeling take over. Try to relax and fall back on the knowledge that he wouldn’t be home if he didn’t want to make this work. Since you want it to work also, that is half the battle.

Focus on what is right between you and what remains. Try to rebuild and then maintain your closeness and intimacy. Avoid sabotaging yourself and your marriage with fears and doubts. Just enjoy this time. Every one worries that it won’t work. But you don’t want to make this worry a self fulfilling prophecy.

Women do these to bring back your marriage alive
Often when we walk down the aisle, we want to believe that our husbands will be everything to us.
We want them to love us unconditionally, encourage us, make us happy, and become our best friends.
However, we often feel short-changed when it comes to the marriage relationship because we become disappointed in our husbands for one reason or another.

While you should enjoy your marriage, one thing you should understand is that marriage is not necessarily about your happiness. Marriage can help you to become a better individual and make you stronger. It should help to enhance and improve you as a person, but sometimes the improvements and enhancements can come at a cost and great pain.

When I say pain, I do not mean abuse or adultery. These types of situations require counseling, and/or other types of immediate intervention. Both of these situations are inexcusable and could ultimately cause death.

Your marriage should be a reflection of Christ and His church. But at times it’s not. In fact, sometimes your marriage can be dead!

However, it is possible to rekindle the love and bring your marriage back to life.
After many years of frustration due to unmet expectations, I recognize now how much I need to add value to my relationships.

And in the case of marriage, I know I need to give my husband 5 things that will make him happy and keep him coming home.
I’m not saying that you should be the only one contributing to the marriage. Nor am I saying that your husband should be the only one to enjoy the marriage relationship. It definitely takes two to make a marriage work well.

But in my sixteen years of being married, I have learned that certain things make most men happy, and can ultimately help you to strengthen your marriage, by taking it from the grave and bringing it back to life

These five things include:

1) Food – Truly this is partly the way to a man’s heart. Find out what your husband likes. Feed him and do it well. Make sure the food you give him is healthy and flavorful.

2) Sex – This is probably the top item. But the irony is that many of the women I coach struggle with having sex with their husbands. Men have a high physical need for sex. It’s a part of who they are. I’ve often wondered why God made us so different in our views of sex. And while I have my opinions on this, I have learned to give in AND enjoy sex with my husband. Having passionate sex can make your husband happy and your marriage closer.

3) Respect – Women crave love and men crave respect. Again, this is an area where men and women differ in their perspectives, but if your husband knows that you respect him, instead of undermining him or being negative and argumentative, he may become more open to communicating with you. Often when a man feels disrespected by his wife he feels hurt, dejected, and less of a man. This causes him to shut down and leave the marriage… at least emotionally.

4) Peace – Men would rather run from home than to deal with a loud, chaotic household. Try to make your home a peaceful haven for your husband. Make it become a place he wants to come home to, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

5) Support – When a man dreams, he needs his wife to become his cheerleader, even when it looks like he is failing. When it’s dark, he needs you to be his glimmer of hope.

Of course you cannot take the place of God. But often your husband needs you more than you realize.
If you can provide these things within your marriage with a sincere heart, you can begin the journey of bringing life to a dead marriage. Be willing to understand his needs and become open to sharing yourself with your husband in these ways. While doing some of these things may take a sacrifice, they can ultimately bring life back to a dead marriage.

Don’t waste time complaining about how horrible your husband is. Do your part to make the marriage work.

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